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19 March 2006 @ 04:38 pm
Ladies and Gentlemen...it might PLEASE you to know that I have gotten laid. I'm not telling you who with jennifer because it was SPECIAL and I resPECT her holy shit it was JLO and I would never DREAM of causing drama.

But FOR the record, JKR...I am not a virgin. Not before, and DEFINITELY not now, ok? So could you and Sean PLEASE quit sending me brochures about abstinence?

*falls to his knees and throws mighty fists in the air*


To show respect for this recent activity, I ask you all not to bring it up in mixed company, or ever. Not until we've made thousands of babies together and get married legally and in the public's eye. Since that will probably never happen...keep your mouth shut. especially around Jennifer

That Jennifer too. Y'know, just in case.

*turns on CD player*
*Curtis Mayfield. Awwwwwww yeah*
07 March 2006 @ 06:38 pm
*Gets ready for BIG DATE*

*One last look in the bathroom mirror at Nan's before making appearance*...Armani Suit...check. Shiny hair...chhhhheck. Wad of cash to look impressive...double check. Leopard print underwear...done. Allright tiger...let's knock 'em dead.

*walks into main area of the Sushi bar*
*looks around*

Hmm...no pink tie. I'll just sit at the bar and have a beer. I need to relax. What the hell am I doing? Am I gay? I mean, I like girls still, but this guy sounds really cool. Like, REALLY cool. Relax, Jim. Relax. You don't have to commit to anything yet. Just take it easy.

*orders Johnny Walker red with a splash of soda*
*positions himself on the bar stool coyly, scanning the crowd for a pink tie*
26 February 2006 @ 03:44 pm
This was just brought to my attention. You know...he may have pepper gray hair, wrinkly twinkly eyes, and a sense of humor...but MY hair is shinier, my eyes are MORE expressive, and my sense of humor FAR SURPASSES HIS. I've seen his movies, and I gotta tell ya, I'm not impressed. And he's after Renee again! AGAIN! When she and I broke up, he was all over her like flies on shit. Now she's divorced and he's clung to her yet again. I remember him calling ALL THE DAMN TIME for her when we were together. Then she'd 'magically disappear' for a few hours, only to return wearing different clothing and smelling like Aramis after-shave. I didn't ask, because I TRUST the women I date. If she tells me that she went to the store, spilled milk on her new dress and had to purchase another one that looked like a man's button up t-shirt, then I believe her. If she says, "Oh...well, I was at the mall and they had little samples of men's cologne and I put it on to remind me of you while I was away," even though it isn't the cologne I personally wear...I let it slide. I mean, she OBVIOUSLY can't stay in a relationship because she's so upset about our break up. I think it's sad really. She can't find happiness because she isn't with ME.

You know what...you can have her. HAVE HER. I DON'T CARE, ok? I'm completely comfortable with my bachelor status. I don't need a woman to come home to every day so that I can shower her with gifts and affection, and to possibly keep me from committing suicide. I don't NEED that kind of 'fodder' unlike SOME people. So George, if you're that insecure that you have to date a whore slut non-committal publicity-leper woman like Zellweger, then SO BE IT. Dig a grave, man. It won't be far away.
17 February 2006 @ 07:55 pm
*is drunk at a karaoke bar*
*is also depressed*
*decides to sing, Long Ago and Far Away by the Carpenters*

eternal singing of a whiskey-splotched mindCollapse )
Current Music: The Carpenters
06 February 2006 @ 08:37 pm
Ok, A) I am NOT crazy. Crazy people play with their own feces *wiggles fingers* and wear funny dresses that show their ass all day. They also take medication. And like Connect-Four.

B) Renee didn't dump ME. Ok? She did NOT DUMP ME! NO ONE DUMPS JIM CARREY. Except the other women I dated who aren't as famous. But Renee? She always looked like she was sucking on a lemon and, albeit HOT when the time was right...it was a little frightening most of the time. END.

C) and FOURTH OF ALL...I AM NOT TYPE CAST IN MOVIES. Let me break it down for you.

*spins around*
*stomps towards a chalk board with a list of all characters I've played written on it*

I wonder where this chalk board came from...hmmm...
*extends metal pointing stick for visual effect soon to come*

We have "Ace Ventura". *points violently at the word 'ACE'* The best movie of all time. Here is a man who loves animals and has the SWEEETEST pompadour that is held together by the hopes and dreams of angels. He is also a crime fighter and is clearly colorblind.

Now we have "Dumb and Dumber" *points even MORE violently at the board* The best movie of all time! A man who has a chipped tooth, a stupid friend, a headless pet bird, and EXCELLENT taste in clothing. He is also a murderer, because he killed that one guy with those pills. This shows my *makes air quotes* DARK SIDE.

EXHIBIT 46!!!! *points to 'Truman Show'* The best movie of ALL TIME!! A man who is completely normal in every way, except that his whole entire life is a LIE.

*throws pointer across room*
*arches back*
*lifts one leg high in the air*
*stomps back to chair*
*touches fingers together under chin*

Now...how are those characters similar? HOW? Oh, what's that? *cups ear, strains neck* YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY???!?!?!?!?!

*smug giggle*

I think we're done here.
06 February 2006 @ 08:18 pm
I'm sorry about that last post. I don't know what CAME OVER ME! It's like, I don't know...it just takes OVER! And I C-CAN'T CONTROL IT!

*deep breath*
*holds it*
*closes eyes, sucks in cheeks*


Phew! That was CLOSE. I think I can control it now. Maybe I shouldn't drink 10 cups of coffee every day. Oh, who am I kidding?

*laughs loudly*

I mean, *wipes tears*, COME ON!


Except *squeals* for meeeee!!!!

*chin quiver*
*eyes water*
06 February 2006 @ 08:03 pm
I can be serious. I really can. Just TRRRRYYYY it Jim. Give it a WHIRL.

*starts typing, speaking aloud while he types*

My name is Jim. I live in San ta Mon i ca. I like kittens and --

OH GOD DAMMIT! This is stupid. *sigh* Calm down ol' buddy. You can DO this.

*begins typing again*

I de cided to start a jour nal be cause I no ticed there were other cel eb rit ies who had them. Gosh are they cool. I am such A LOSER!!!!

*clenches teeth*
*shakes head*

Jim...you've done serious. You KNOW serious. "Eternal Sunshine" Think "Eternal Sunshine"

I have

I have a pretty

*throws keyboard across room*

I CAN'T do-hoo-hoo it! They expect it! *deeply* THEY WANT IT FROM ME.

*hears voices in his head*

"They're all gonna laugh at you! They're all gonna laugh at you!"

*extreme inhale*

NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooOOOOoooOOO! *tugs hair stomping around office bumping into furniture*


*slumps down in chair...defeated*